I went looking for trouble.... again

After many conversations in my mind, back and forth, I did end up initiating a conversation with B last night, after 6 days of silence. No he didn't reach out, wasn't in touch and didn't even give good excuses for the disappearing act. There is zero-to-lukewarm interest from his side and I am again jogging my mind about why I am hanging on to this.

Why did I do it? In my mind, if I didn't, then I wouldn't be true to who I am. I would have been "practical"  (not a bad thing, but just not me). I even questioned if I wanted to abandon the prospect out of  fear, as if its failure is a self fulfilling prophecy. If I didn't make effort, gave it another chance, I would be hiding in the shadows, letting the past failures take the best of me. I would be abandoning my dream of finding something amazing. The question is; is finding something truly worthy this difficult?

I don't have an answer to that yet. A cynical interpretation would be that I am being plain sadistic. I need to be gentler, look after myself better, not get sucked into someone else's drama. I just wish, that this intrinsic trait of having hope beyond hope will reap rewards soon. If not here, then through the universal karma.

For now there is a promise of a call later today. Lets see how that unfolds.