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No phone call was received.

No message was received either..

I went looking for trouble.... again

After many conversations in my mind, back and forth, I did end up initiating a conversation with B last night, after 6 days of silence. No he didn't reach out, wasn't in touch and didn't even give good excuses for the disappearing act. There is zero-to-lukewarm interest from his side and I am again jogging my mind about why I am hanging on to this.

Why did I do it? In my mind, if I didn't, then I wouldn't be true to who I am. I would have been "practical"  (not a bad thing, but just not me). I even questioned if I wanted to abandon the prospect out of  fear, as if its failure is a self fulfilling prophecy. If I didn't make effort, gave it another chance, I would be hiding in the shadows, letting the past failures take the best of me. I would be abandoning my dream of finding something amazing. The question is; is finding something truly worthy this difficult?

I don't have an answer to that yet. A cynical interpretation would be that I am being plain sadistic. I need to be gentler, look after myself better, not get sucked into someone else's drama. I just wish, that this intrinsic trait of having hope beyond hope will reap rewards soon. If not here, then through the universal karma.

For now there is a promise of a call later today. Lets see how that unfolds.

Dealing with disappointment

The most honorable way of dealing with disappointment and hurt is to be silent. It is also perhaps the most difficult and not necessarily a pain free way as most often you need to feign a strong exterior. I feel overwhelmed by this painful anxiety, where I am not sure if this is happening to me or if I am doing this to myself. Its like an emotional roller coaster and I really want to get off.

I was introduced to B two weeks back, on the onset it seemed like a good idea. The guy is smart, well-traveled, polite. I would say I was genuinely looking forward to getting to know him better. We chatted once, exchanged numbers and poof! The guy disappeared and it felt bad because I thought the chat went well. A week later we ended up talking on the phone and..... rinse and repeat. It has been a week and no contact. I know when I am typing this it sounds silly, but something felt good about this prospect and it resulted in an over and above emotional investment on my part.

That's why they say too much of imagination is a bad thing, I imagined it to be the exhilarating rom-com plot where you meet the funny nice guy through chance circumstances. You both click and all the past disappointments just melt away. It brings reason to life; why things didn't work out in the past, why there were soul-crushing heartbreaks because this was meant to be the happy ending (if there is one at all..).

I am a doer and in the past I have tried to make things work. Reach out. Talk. Make effort. As if love was something I had to earn, to be deserving of, as if I had to prove that its a good idea that we be together. Most often it would end up just being MY idea. 

The problem with this approach was each time it didn't work, I concluded that I caused the hurt. I went out looking for trouble, giving generous benefits of doubt and looked past cracks when I really should just have scissored it off. So for the past few months, I was pretty good at sticking with my resolve of not 'doing' anything. I wasn't trying to make things happen. I didn't seek out B, we crossed paths by chance. It came to me, yet it bombed :p

So yea... feeling rather unhinged. Not sure what I am hanging on to. and its that crazy dilemma where you are told NOT to think about the apple, and its all you can think about! Somebody pause my head for a bit please.